this evening has been quite unproductive
can't think straight or concentrate
am missing some twenty sheets of paper i'd like back but fear are gone
those have been some object of obsession, but hardly the root..
my mind is blank
much rather be reading (than writing this paper), i can't seem to stay focused.
plus am so intrigued by the non-solutions presented, talking to cats and running away.
this weekend the siblings return and it seems no time since i've seen them last.
ben is bringing dvds. annie: smiles and fifty rejection letters.
spring break makes me curious and it seems so far away (maybe it isn't?)
circles are developing under my eyes and the next few weeks seem unbearably daunting (it's not that i'm resistant to ALL change): i've successfully packed one box & changed the light bulb in the lamp.
there is so much dread in every supposed intention.
i'd like to see tideland.
lyrics lyrics symbolism.
"she hates me, too."
"yeah, she does."

cooking is great (especially with friends). we made lots of good things.
this afternoon felt like sunday.
marcovaldo, to read to again when looking for bedtime stories.
i have a headache.
i don't want to move into the suburbs.
my house is on a hill and there are no sidewalks. help. me.

next year is looming and as much as i want it, it terrifies me immensely.
where am i going? where (???) is the scary bear.
once i get there, blah blah.
when claire and i were on the swingset, i couldn't give a straight answer. and still here in this room, it's impossible to say for sure. should i be the new katie-o and take after my grandfather's mother? or, should i flee the east forever? will i have an option?
decisions, decisions, decisions. blecch for waiting. but i can't help waiting for things (though i know it's not healthy). waiting for may, april, next weekend, waiting and wishing my life away. graduation is unnerving. it's too easy to get depressed in the present and, in concession, sometimes productivity doesn't ward off sadness.
(not even trying to pack: don't wanna go to new-brick non-functional castle with extra acres)

looking back, what was last year? i barely even believe it happened (especially when i think of all our desperation, the hillside confessions of inadequacy).
i think i'm afraid of sex, p.s.

my wrench is your radiator.
please don't die.

sigh, ginny, one day, one day.

how many hours did THIS take? who knows. far too many.
all the figuring and measuring and trial and error and blah dee frickin' JEBUS.

if only i was ready tomorrow to join luxby on her snarky kidnapping and then onto the funhouse. alas, there's absolutely no way. the three out of five mabon sisters who have fallen asleep on the couch in the lawrenceville living room were pleasant dinner conversation. i am still wholly nervous i am entirely inadequate as a college applicant. still i super look forward to whatever debauchery ensues this next and far superior holiday. i might be a scrooge, but i do love the idea of a whole new year.
because remember, beana, "this is the new year, we must resolve to feel different."
we talked on the phone today. her father has given her permission to sleep around so long as she makes an obgyn appointment ahead of time to learn the trickery of avoiding offspring. we could very well end up together in ohio or together in boston but what i really want is to pack my life into a travelling vortex and follow her to her opera auditions in l.a.
best of luck to all who wish to partake in obtaining a degree!
(i left my extra toothbrush in a jar at my mother's)

it is a tough lesson i am still learning.

things that WILL BE:
-the finished ginny ballantine (paper trees: joshua, rider, codex, & b.b. ghostie)
-kings and queens and stars and stripes (NOT FOREVER, BUT FOR--GAMBLING!)
-no bowling on friday (tg!)
-watching watching moo-vies
-feeling somewhat complete with the dreaded applications
-sleep, sleep, glorious sleep

today:
ran out of hot water
never do work
patchwork sky
orange polo shirt
chrissmas card
from mrs. anderson
tiny toes
itchy skin

tomorrow:
dentist
doctor?
'QUASH qv!
afternoon
misunderstanding
one. more. day!

i do not feel creative. rather sleepy, almost bedtime.

it is hard seeing any end. break will bring: who knows what...more paper mash? party with ex-es? slides for yaarrrr(gh)t? seeing sister? flee to hearts? noodle beanin' root beer float? vespers, new years, present(s), present, whaaa?

first picture of claire and i. and i like it.
meeds and lottie also dazzle.

let me refresh your memory:



(places)


(things)







(people)


(return here)




(misc.)

and now for the big finish...

i am watching nickelodeon's games and sports channel.
this is how thanksgiving break is turning out.
nothing on my to-do list has been to-done and i am aching for friendlies of any sort. this weekend lucy is coming to lawrenceville and bringing claire for lots of pseudo always family conversations, scarved, it is exciting! there was a promise, too, that better be kept, but i have many things to do before that (SUPPOSEDLY). kate is all alone in ohio and there is a lot of time between now and tuesday. a lot of time to write a lot of essays and make a lot of artsles (?)

or. NOT.

tomorrow after turkey we will doubtlessly go see a movie. it will most likely be casino royale.



q: who is this dapper lad?
a: if you guessed christopher walken, you are correct!

this is a digital photo. of a real photo. my mother has a pile of snapshots on her desk in the new house and i want (in digital). among them: parading in balloon hats at the park (frick, maybe?), roller skating maine-wise, & snail races in sanibel.

i learned today that there is another m.a. bradt in my family, a namesake in the generation above. she is the daughter of the recently departed john, mega red sox fan. she used to teach art in a convent in british columbia and is now a retiree raising llamas. no one has ever told me about her before. "you're just the only third generation." i know there was never a second, but i did learn that the first went to the University of Chicago.

other things i learned about this weekend: pink pants, wrapping paper, wheeling and dealing, the eighties, tourettes, carnies, soup, christmas candle wax, & sick-tion.

Less than a week...

(You are just the baby school and I am the big league chew)